This is about my journey.
I’m searching for a more beautiful me. Maybe you’re searching for a more beautiful self too.
I am crazy about makeup, and I love clothing, jewelry and fashion accessories, but they don’t make me who I am and I’m lucky enough to know that.
I think that most people are more beautiful then they realize. We’re told that we are not thin enough, not curvy enough, not white enough, not dark enough, not old enough, not young enough, and never ever good enough.
The fashion industry gives us impossible ideals to live up to. They soak our brain with silicone, formaldehyde and botox. They use slight of hand to make the skin look poreless, features look larger, and fat disappear. It leaves many of us feeling hopeless, or going to extremes to try and achieve an illusion that has no substance or endurance.
The truth is that beauty comes in all sizes, shapes and colours. It can have no form and be a part of every form. Sometimes you can touch it, sometimes you can just see or hear it, and sometimes you can just sense it.
You should love who you are, but you should never stop trying to be a better version of yourself, whether it be mentally, spiritually or physically. Be humble enough to acknowledge your weaknesses, your faults and your mistakes, be courageous enough to work to overcome them.
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” -Reinhold Niebuhr
So recently, I’ve felt that I’ve stopped trying to be better. I’ve begun to believe that I’m not good enough, and because I’ve started to feel that way, I have started to slowly disappear.
I’ve always been plus-size, but I’ve always still stood tall. Something changed in the last couple of years though. Now, when I look in the mirror, I don’t see myself. I don’t see the woman, but only the double chin and sagging cheeks. When I try on clothing, I only see the fat bulging from beneath. My body aches, so I don’t move as much, and because I don’t move as much, my body aches. My eyes don’t seem to sparkle anymore and my skin and hair seems dull. Instead of my accomplishments, I only see my failures, and the voices of haters and fat-shamers have been echoing in my ears.
My mental health is not good. I have been fighting issues for over 15 years now. The last couple of years have really affected my life. I had to leave my job, because at least once a week I was physically ill or in pain. Not working means I have very little money and way too much time. I have random panic attacks several times a day. My depression has a grip on me, and the beauty I use to see in myself and in the world has dulled. It makes me very sad, but luckily there is still a part of my brain that is telling me that things will get better, I just have to hold on and keep trying. I have loved ones in my life that hold me up. I’m very lucky that way.
The first step I’ve decided to take is Bariatric Surgery. I haven’t made this decision lightly. The idea of going for surgery and altering my stomach horrifies me, but for several years now, I have been trying to lose weight. I work out everyday for 1 and 1/2 hours. I’ve seen dietitians and doctors in the past. At one point, I managed to lose 30lbs in a whole year, but then my thyroid medication stopped working and I gained it back in one month. I believe that if I don’t have this surgery, my health is going to continue to fail. I’m okay with being plus-size, but I’m not okay with dying young.
Secondly, I plan to keep myself busy as best I can by focusing on anything that might strike my interest – writing, for example. If I keep my mind going, maybe I won’t focus on the things that are out of my control.
And finally, if I can help someone by sharing my successes and failures, then I’ll have a renewed sense of purpose, which will hopefully encourage me to try and keep growing.
So this blog will serve to remind me of all things I find beautiful. I’ve named it Lady of The Lake because the most beautiful vision I hold in my heart is Lake Superior. I’ll focus on things that I find beautiful – whether shallow or meaningful, and I’ll focus on my journey to be a more beautiful version of myself.
Maybe I can inspire someone, help someone, or at the very least entertain.