So, I have I travel to meet with my health care team on Wednesday.   I doubt I’ll even be getting my surgery date, but it’s a step towards getting it, and it’s a step I’ve been waiting for since Last May.

I was handling it normally until I woke up today.

My thoughts have been far away – not necessarily focused on anything in particular, and not able to focus on anything around me.  My neck is tight and my jaw is sore from clenching.  I’m also feeling super tired.  I can feel my anxiety rearing its ugly head.  My family is annoying me by talking to me about everyday things, or asking me to do daily tasks.  My mother decided to crack a joke about how they couldn’t lend me their vehicle anymore because they needed it those days.  I almost cried, not because I believed her but because it hurt that she would be making light of this appointment in anyway.

I have a lot of feelings going through me.  Mostly dread.  Since this process has started, it has felt like the medical center has been delaying the process on purpose to control the flow of patients.  I have this thought in the back of my head that they fell behind in their paperwork and now they’re trying to put up roadblocks to this patients to slow down their progress.  I know it sounds ridiculous, but I can’t get over it.  Like, for example, I asked them from the beginning if there was anything I could do to streamline the progress.  They told me I had to quit smoking 6 weeks before surgery, and then a month later they contacted me and told me I had to quit smoking 6 months before they even accepted my referral.  Between then and now, they could have been helping me work on my diet, but they haven’t – and, in fact, I went out and found my own dietician to help me out.  I asked if I should keep food records and they told me ‘no’.  Now, I find out that the dietitian is going to ask me to keep food records before they give me an idea of how I should adjust my food intake?

I am terrified that they are going to tell me, after a year, that I won’t be able to have surgery for another year – or not at all.

So that’s my rant.  I feel a bit better now.  I’ll focus on making it through today.  So, I’m going to hit the pool and burn off some energy – hopefully, that will help – and I’ll keep my mind as calm as possible and remember to breath.  I can’t change anything now, and I have to get the surgery – whether its now or later.  I mean, what will be, will be, right?